The Thrill is Gone.

Dear Robin:

I’ve been married 12 years and I’m worried about my sex life with my wife.  Specifically, I’m worried that we now schedule sex as if it were a chore to get done, and that’s making it feel more like a job than the fun it is supposed to be.

We lead busy lives, both work, and have a 7-year-old son (do not want more).  I get that sex won’t be what it was in the beginning but when she comes to me with her calendar it feels weird, although I should admit the sex is still great.

Since our son was about 4, she has a strong preference for sex when he isn’t home, so our usual time is meeting at home during the lunch hour.  When I try to be spontaneous she usually isn’t feeling it.

How do I get less scheduling and more passion in my marriage?  FYI I still love her and am very attracted to her.  She always has been the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I know she is in love with and attracted to me.

Teddy

Dear Teddy:

I’ll have you know you are officially the two-millionth person who has written to me with this question.  I’m going to give you the same flippant response I have issued before:

You are so lucky. You and your wife love each other and have a great family and good jobs. She’s still hot and wants to fuck you, and you are complaining about her need to schedule that time together.  Do you often go looking for trouble in paradise?

Before I give you some advice I urge you to appreciate what you have and talk to some other people, especially men, who have been married with children as long as you. I think you will find most of them would kill to be in your position (and I mean that literally, so watch your back).

Like your wife, I got weird about doing the deed when the kid is in the house, once the kid got to be of an age where he could walk around and open doors to explore noises that sound as if wildebeests were being tortured with golf tees and cattle prods.

Yeah, I’m kind of a wildcat in the sack.

Maybe your wife walked in on her parents when she was young and it scarred her for life.  Maybe she just wants to let her freak flag fly.  Maybe she is especially horny at lunchtime.  Who knows?  Who cares?

Let me explain to you how fortunate you are using the AskDesCamp™ Typical Relationship Timeline (ADTRT).

The ADTRT describes relationships sexually and scatalogically based upon my years of gathering anecdotal evidence from unhappily partnered people.

It’s important to relate relationship stages to excretory functions because:

  1. The analysis is pretty spot-on, if you asked me; and
  2. This is a totally original way of looking at love and the shit that goes along with it, which makes me incredibly awesome even if some of you don’t understand my method.

1. The First Year

The “Velcro Stage” or for women, the “Urinary Tract Infection Year.”  

The only problem with sex is figuring out how to fit other activities besides sex into your day, like breathing and eating and getting to work. This is a fun period although chafing and sprains may occur.

During the First Year lovers dare not dare poop at their new love’s home or let loose a fart around them. They will travel upwards of five miles on foot and in the rain to avoid the cub coming out of the cave anywhere in the vicinity of the new love, and go outside to toot.

2. The “Settling In” Period

This phase can last anywhere from 2-7 years.

Sex is still good and and on the regular but things are starting to cool down a bit.  When your partner is away you find yourself appreciating the time alone instead of missing them desperately as you used to.

Regarding dropping the kids off at the pool, out of sheer necessity (since you now live together) you do so with caution and whenever possible in a spare bathroom.

You always employ the Mercy Flush* and when it comes to Butt Wind, you make a solid effort to either leave the room or bury the fart in a blanket.

3. The Marked Decline

This period stretches from Year 8 to 17, depending upon whether you stay together and how many kids you have. For every child, add 1-2 weeks between couplings.

Sex is now catch-as-catch-can and the heat has gone down, but at least it takes your focus off the whiny little brats for 8.5 minutes.

You’ve stopped worrying about any smells coming from your bung hole, because frankly it’s all you can do to not kill yourself, your children or your spouse on a daily basis. What you ate the night before and how it impacts the senses of those around you is a very low priority.

As for pooping, the Mercy Flush is a thing of the past and you find yourself using the last of the toilet paper and purposefully not replacing it.

4. The Rest of Your Relationship Unless You Care Enough to Change the Pattern

Sex now occurs as often as you want, but you are always with your mistress or alone when it happens.

No, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition does not count as a partner.

When you attempt to initiate intimacy with your spouse, you are met with a stiff arm that rivals Beanie Wells’ masterpiece. Instead of doing your partner when Beefy McManstick gets excited, you are given a to-do list by your partner.

Major pieces of jewelry are now required to access the equipment to which you thought you had a lifetime contractual right, and you are pretty sure if you ever get divorced you will never marry again.

Animosity is displayed through Hostile Bathroom Tactics, or “HBT.”

You now purposefully wait until your partner comes home from work to release the chocolate hostage, no matter how painful the delay may be.  When you let it fly you do so with the bathroom door open and a fan on your lap that faces outward.

You save your farts like a squirrel saves nuts for winter and you unleash their fury in a Dutch Oven of Doom or what you try to sell as a “funny wrestling contest” in which you win if you can knock the other person unconscious by releasing your effluvium as close to their nostrils as possible.

Advice for Teddy:

I don’t mean to come off as glib.  OK, maybe I do, but I’ve got some advice for you.

  1. Ask some of your married friends how much loving they are getting at home.  This will help put your situation in perspective.
  2. Appreciate what you’ve got.
  3. Do your own part to make your sex life more spontaneous!  Surprise your wife by scheduling a weekly playdate for your little Cock-Blocker or have him go to Grandma’s house.  Shit, tie him up on a leash in the backyard and put some headphones on him.**
  4. Appreciate what you’ve got.  Yes, I know that was #2 as well, but it bears repeating.

Your wife is doing her best to keep you both intimately connected.  I know so many people who, once the sex starts to taper off, do nothing.  The days stretch into weeks, months, and years.

One day they wake up and their hymen has grown back or their penis has fallen off from lack of use, but that’s not the worst part.  They have lost the ability to physically connect and express their love for one another through the intense intimacy of being inside or surrounding another.

They are roommates.

Business partners.

Mere acquaintances.

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Write back and let me know what you are doing to keep the sex and romance in your marriage alive!

Readers, sound off in the comments.  You can do this anonymously, you know!

Do you schedule sex?  Or are you toiling in an unhappily sexless marriage?***

Finally, see those sharing buttons?  If you liked this, please share!

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*Mercy Flush: Immediately flushing upon defecation and prior to wiping.

**This is a joke.  I do not advocate such treatment of children.

***I am well aware some couples are both happy with a sexless marriage, so please don’t yell at me.

This Post Has 7 Comments

  1. Marilyn

    You are awesome.

  2. Keith Stone

    Spot on again and funny to boot! 🙂 Thanks for having the balls to broach this topic, its sad but true!

  3. Brian
  4. Debbie

    Can’t stop laughing! You didn’t think of the people who may get turned on by fasting and shit smell. A psychiatrist friend from childhood told me there are no limits on human sexual fetishes!

  5. Debbie

    *farting

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