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I am freaking out and don’t know what I’m going to do. Friday night I was out with some girlfriends and I ran into my boss and some of his friends. Long story short, our two groups hung out all night and I had WAY too much to drink. He gave me a ride home and one thing led to another and we had sex.
He left really early the next morning and I haven’t heard from him since. I just called in sick and I’m sitting here panicking because I am so embarrassed and worried about how he will react when he sees me.
Help! What do I do?
Dear Seattle Slut:
I had another column practically finished when I received your email this morning. I thank you for your letter because it gives me the opportunity to help someone in real time! There you are, hiding in your house and avoiding work as you wait for me to deliver my pearls of wisdom regarding your, er, sticky situation.
I wish you had reached out to me before calling in sick because that was Big Mistake #2. Big Mistake #1 was obviously letting your boss go spelunking in your dark and dank cave of lust, but we’ll address that in a moment.
Whatever you do, don’t call in sick again tomorrow. You need to get right back to work with your held held high and your dignity intact. By calling in sick you are sending your boss a message that you can’t be professional under duress and also that you think you did something wrong. My opinion is that you didn’t. You did something stupid, but it wasn’t wrong. Your boss, on the other hand, really screwed the pooch (along with you) that night.
When we emailed you told me you didn’t use protection when Bossman put his pork filling in your won ton. Immediately after reading this please proceed to any store that sells Plan B, unless you either want a baby or you work for Hobby Lobby.
I’m not interested in berating you for that profoundly stupid move because it’s already happened and you can’t put that cream back in the pastry bag. There isn’t one person reading these words right now who hasn’t done some epically fatuous shit when wasted.
Instead I’d like to caution you about unprotected sex, and by “caution you” I mean hit you square in the face with the AskDesCamp Velvet Hammer of Truth: letting a man burp his worm in your garden without protection is fucking crazy for three reasons:
1. You are very young, aren’t using birth control and don’t want children until you are married (good girl!). If you continue screwing around without birth control you will either have a baby you aren’t prepared for or you will have to endure the anguish of the other two options: adoption or abortion.
You are tempting Fate in search of enormous and life-changing problems. Fate is a bitch so knock it off and get on the pill or IUD or whatever works for you.
2. Sexually transmitted diseases are everywhere and you are not immune. You are 24 so you don’t remember the FuckFear that defined screwing around in the late 80s and 90s, but please don’t be reckless just because HIV and AIDS don’t get the press they formerly did and there are more treatment options than there used to be.
Is “I’m sorry, you tested positive” a conversation you want to have with your doctor? Yeah, I thought not. This is to say nothing of the host of other social diseases that are out there and which I assure you you’d prefer not to have.
3. Condoms make clean-up of your Tasty Hot Pocket of Love much easier, so get a box today!
Back to your boss: he is the one who should be in hiding, not you. He is much older and is in a relationship with another woman – a relationship you didn’t know about until 30 seconds after his baby batter dribbled down your thigh and onto your Scooby-Doo sheets. He also heads up HR for your company and conducts seminars on sexual harassment. What a fucking moron. Does he move his lips when he reads?
Some people are waiting for me to accuse him of rape, since you said you were drunk. I’m not going to do that, because you told me you very much wanted to screw him Friday night and you were alert and awake throughout the entire 5 1/2 minutes of fun.
Contrary to current popular belief, I don’t think alcohol equals abdication of personal responsibility regarding the choices women make, especially when those choices look really bad in the cold and sober light of the following day. See: Oregon Basketball players fiasco.
Look at it this way, Sally: he is probably a lot more worried about this than you are, and he should be. He has a job and a relationship on the line and suddenly this 24-year-old underling (literally!) has an enormous amount of power over him should she decide to make an issue over what happened.
This is a very good time for you to ask for a promotion and a raise.
You are interested in moving into your company’s marketing department which sounds like fun. There is no happy future in HR for you anyway…trust me that this is the most depressing and unfulfilling line of work you can be in outside of being the guy that turns the gas knob at the animal shelter when “Adopt a Friend!” day gets rained out and there’s no money in the budget for kibble.
My advice: meet with your boss and tell him you would like his assistance in transferring to an upwardly-mobile job in the marketing department. I would not directly address your activities of Friday night, but rather raise your eyebrow cynically should he balk at your request. A properly raised eyebrow can accomplish much, just ask Mr. Patience and Understanding.
Once in a while life gives us the opportunity to make lemons into lemon-infused cocktail drinks and though my advice may sound mercenary, I think you should take advantage of this monumental fuck-up to make your life better. You shouldn’t be working for this man anymore and this is a good way to get into a field you find more interesting while distancing yourself from him.
Three more pieces of advice for you:
1. Keep your mouth shut. You told me you have become close friends with one of your co-workers and you considered speaking with her about this. Under no circumstances should you do that.
You may think you can trust her but someday she may not be your friend anymore and she could not only spill your secret but twist and exaggerate it as well. After all, she is the proud owner of a vagina and we all know that the testicularly-challenged have a tendency to lash out with gossip and lies when they are angry with former friends.
Do you really want her telling people you let the boss poke you repeatedly so as to get the plumb role in the marketing department? Anything you do at that company in the future will be suspect. I worked with a woman years ago and everyone knew she fucked the boss for a while. From that point on, nobody took her seriously and everyone assumed (correctly) that her achievements were earned on her back.
2. Start taking very careful notes if your boss takes any punitive action against you or harasses you in any way. Write down your memories of Friday, such as they are, and keep a journal should things go south at the office. He may decide to double down on his incredibly poor behavior and try to get you fired. Watch your back and protect yourself.
3. If this evening was a one-off bender and not at all customary for you, fine. As I mentioned above: we’ve all been there.
However, if binge-drinking and concurrent poor decision-making is a habit of yours, you should look more closely into your relationship with alcohol. I would help you do that but I can’t because I am already over my word limit and more importantly, I’m too hungover to be helpful.
Please write me back after you get things settled with your boss.