I was married to “Jenny” for 10 LONG UNHAPPY years and I finally got the guts to leave the marriage in January for many reasons including her refusal to be intimate with me, her infidelity and her unchecked spending habits which helped almost drive us into bankruptcy. Since then she has regularly posted weird passive-aggressive posts about me on Facebook and it is starting to really bother me.
I suspect you will tell me to “unfriend” her but she is the mother of my son (9 years old) and frankly she knows a lot of private things about me so I don’t want to piss her off and see even worse things online, especially since our divorce is ongoing.
Obviously we have a lot of mutual friends and they alert me every time this happens so I hope you have a solution for me. I’ve asked her to stop but should I ask again? Or have a friend “casually mention” that it makes her look like she is nuts?
Thanks, your friend Jeremy in Salinas, CA
Ah, the good old passive-aggressive or VERY thinly-veiled Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest post. Thank you for sharing more details with me, including the fact that you are 41 years old and she is 37.
You also told me Jenny posts everything “publicly,” meaning anyone can see it whether they are friends with her on Facebook or not, and that she is currently unemployed but looking for work. No wonder she has so much time to torment you.
Jeremy, I had some fun and ventured over to her Facebook page. I can see why you don’t want to piss her off. She’s funny, but she’s mean, sarcastic, insecure, accusatory, paranoid and delusional. Ugh – I don’t know anyone like that!
Jenny takes the idea of “over-sharing” to a level not seen since Martha Stewart admitted to sexting and her participation in a threesome. I can only imagine the other two participants were P-Diddy and a pastry bag, but that is another subject for another day.
Let’s take a look at some fun things Jenny has posted in the past 4 months, shall we? This is a very small sampling, by the way…
(these two sort of frightened me, frankly)
(readers, Jeremy gave me permission to do this because he doubts she reads my blog. Please add “stupid,” “tasteless,” and “behind the times” to the Jenny descriptors above)
Wow. What we have here is a bitter, immature, tormenting and cunt-y hag, also known as a B.I.T.C.H.
What you didn’t mention in your first email but you did tell me later is that you are already publicly dating someone and Jenny is not. Please congratulate yourself for violating Rule #1 of AskDesCamp Divorce Protocol, “Parking the Beef Bus in Someone Else’s Tuna Town Before the Decree is Signed,” also known as “The Screwing You’ll Get for the Screwing You Got.”
Fucking someone else so soon after the separation is fine, but you have to keep that shit on the down low. See that “Hell Hath No Fury” meme above? She’s signaling to you and I advise you listen up lest you become stuck in DLH (Divorce Litigation Hell) for the next two years or so.
You also told me you had your wife sign a prenuptial agreement when you got married. Brilliant, dear chap, brilliant.
The pre-nup provides Jenny one year of alimony and after that, she’s on her own financially except child support. The good news is your divorce negotiations and litigation won’t include alimony because the judge has already ruled that the pre-nup is valid (like a typical B.I.T.C.H., she tried to have it thrown out).
The bad news is she has already moved for full custody and a very limited parenting time schedule for you. You told me she has always praised your skills as a father and that she is generally a reasonable person, so you can likely assume she is making this move based upon her anger towards you for glazing someone else’s donut hole whilst hers has grown stale and moldy.
OK, here we go with our AskDesCamp AdviceByNumbers Drill. Are you ready?
1. Apologize to your wife and tell her you understand how your dating so soon must be hurtful to her. You may be tempted at this point to say,
“Sorry I am seeing someone else, but my blue balls from the past few years of you shutting your legs to me and opening them to our contractor and your personal trainer were in danger of turning black and falling off. I did what was needed for the survival of my nut sack so I can eventually make another baby with someone who isn’t such a strange combination of slutty and frigid.”
Don’t. Just, don’t. You know the truth and that’s enough. Your goal here is to reason with her, not initiate more public displays of disaffection on social media.
2. Your wife loves your son as much as you do. Remind her that this is all very public, and he may be seeing it and internalizing her anger and sadness, not to mention the humiliation he will feel if his friends see this crap and report back to him.
3. Tell her that your common friends are worried about her and think she is coming off as a bit unhinged. To see how well this approach works, please see my Facebook page, which is far less diatribe-y than it used to be!
4. Hit her where it hurts: the wallet. She is currently looking for another job in the insurance field, which she excelled in but left when your son was born.
Perhaps it’s been a long time since she looked for a job in the corporate world, but she needs to understand that these days, everything we put out there on social media is being viewed by prospective employers (and romantic partners, if she’s climbed off her personal trainer and your contractor yet and is looking for a new “baby’s arm in a boxing glove” to satisfy her needs).
She will never find another job if she keeps putting this stuff out there – it makes her appear vindictive and unstable. Here is a good link for her to read: Social Media Can Hurt Job Search
Since you mentioned two of your mutual friends have offered to speak with her, I suggest you give them the go-ahead. Sometimes we are more likely to take advice from people whose testicles we don’t want to rip off and blend into a sperm smoothie.
5. Tell her that it is in both your interests as well as your son’s that you foster cooperation and positive communication. You said she has fought you on every small issue so far, including who gets the china (just give it to her, dummy). She should know that this type of approach to divorce will burn up the little money she is getting from you via her half of the somewhat meager assets and her year of alimony.
6. Finally, if nobody can get through to her and this behavior continues, there is an option on Facebook by which you can keep people out of your newsfeed without un-friending them altogether. I wish I had known about that one a few months ago. Oh well.
Best of luck, Jeremy. Let me know what happens.