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Should I Tell Her He’s Cheating?

Dear Robin:

I had a nasty falling out with a friend (Blair) about two years ago, or at least it was nasty on her end, not mine.

Long story short: she was saying some really shitty things behind my back and I just ghosted her.  Since then she continues to trash talk me to anyone who will listen and has asked people not to be friends with me because she hates me.

Now I have a dilemma on my hands: I found out her husband is having an affair with a co-worker.  Ordinarily I would keep my mouth shut but I am tempted to tell her because of all the crap she has put me through.

I’m pretty sure you are going to yell at me.  Give me your best!

Seattle Sally

Dear Seattle Sally:

I seem to be writing about vengeance a lot lately.  Must be something in the air.

Also, I can’t yell at you unless you call me.  And even if you did call, I wouldn’t.

I get it.  I really do.

You asked me not to share too many details but I’ll say this: assuming everything you told me was true, this woman deserves your wrath.  While you have kept silent on the end of your friendship, Blair has not.  

Even her cheating husband “George” made some bizarre claims against you.

Man, what a pussy.  Oh wait, I forgot my new rule!

What a Trumpy Donald.

 

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Since when do guys get involved with their wive’s petty spats?  I’m amazed he can get it up to cheat on Blair what with his balls detached and withering in her purse.

It doesn’t surprise me in the least you are struggling with this decision, because despite her age (41) she is still stuck in a 5th grade mean-girl world in which she fancies herself the ringleader of a hyena pack.

I can understand why after all she’s put you through, you are considering turning her life upside-down.

Let’s discuss the pros and cons of ratting out George.

Pros:

  • You have the satisfaction of knowing you hurt someone who has hurt you.
  • That’s it.  I had to add a second bullet point because one bullet point is just weird.

Cons:

  • You may be the catalyst for the destruction of a family.  I don’t think you can feel good about that.
  • If you think Blair was obsessed with you before, this will up her game and simultaneously make you look like a giant asshole.
  • You will be perpetuating the feud that you can now honestly attest is one-sided but will become decidedly two-sided once you drop this truth bomb.
  • It won’t make you feel better.  In fact, it will make you feel worse.  

Confucius wisely noted:

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. 

My smarty-pants quotes extend beyond Confucius, who makes my writing even more erudite than usual.  There is also an old Latin proverb that comes to mind here:

Revenge is a confession of pain.

Think about that.  

Those six words sum up perfectly why we sometimes allow ourselves to drink from the delicious but poisonous glass of revenge.

Anytime I am faced with a dilemma like this one I ask myself:

What is my motivation?

You can’t bullshit yourself or anyone else by claiming you are doing this out of concern for this woman, so you can forget that approach.  I know you were thinking of spinning it that way but don’t.  Most people just aren’t that dumb.

It’s been two years since you ghosted Blair and you say you’ve been at peace over the end of the friendship for a long time.  But are you really? If you go down this route you will be shouting from the rooftops that you still care, you still hurt, and you are a very small person.  

Why get down in the mud with this pig?  You will both get dirty, but she will love it.

Acceptable Form of Revenge: Let’s Play the Scoreboard Game

The also-quotable but not nearly as fancy-sounding Frank Sinatra once said,

The best revenge is massive success.  

I couldn’t agree more, and I encourage you to do a scoreboard check:

SCOREBOARD!

  • You are very happily married to a wonderful guy.  She is married to a cheating douchebag of a pussy Donald who repeatedly inserts himself (both literally and figuratively!) into women’s business. Two points for you.
  • You just got promoted to a high-level position in your company and professionally you are at the top of your game. She hasn’t worked for over 10 years and even then never rose above fetching people coffee and making copies.  Her father had to help them buy their house. Three points for you.
  • You have a solid group of wonderful, dynamic, diverse, and intelligent people around you.  She spends time with women who thrive on gossip, cannot describe the separation of powers, and can’t define the word “erudite.”  Two points for you.
  • You have moved on from the end of the friendship (or so you say).  She has not.  Six points for you.

Scoreboard:

Sally: 13

Blair: 0

You are living an honest life filled with compassion and love and meaning.  

She is not.

Enough said.

You don’t need to stoop to her level to seek revenge, Sally.  You are better than that and you’ll only end up hurting yourself.  

Ignore this bitch so hard she will begin to doubt her own existence and enjoy your wonderful life.

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Like this?  Share this!  If you don’t, I’ll seek revenge against you, and it won’t be pretty.

PS: Readers, I am fighting a very important deadline and writing the most interesting Friday Feedback for tomorrow, so please forgive the re-run.  

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, MY BIRTHDAY, when I share the most cowardly and childish feedback yet: an “anonymous” letter to my husband.  

Given that I’m pretty certain who wrote it, you know we will have some fun!

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. ARTYATTY

    1. Agree she should say nothing. My wife did something similar years ago and she still cringes when she thinks about it.
    2. Love the scoreboard.
    3. Can’t wait to read tomorrow and your bar complaint response.

    Carry on wit’ yo bad self, DesCamp. You are doing the Lord’s work and I can tell you unequivocally that the only embarrassment to the city of Portland is the “woman” who most likely wrote your husband the letter.

    I’ve been a lawyer in this city since 1989 and she is the most-reviled member of the bar. She is so ugly and unpleasant that most people in the legal community will go out of their way to avoid contact with her. I myself would walk into traffic to avoid sharing a sidewalk with her. There are divorce lawyers who won’t accept a client if she is on the other side because she is so awful and they know the case will be a disaster.

    You, on the other hand, make everyone in my firm laugh and think, especially when you write about divorce and the DICKs. I also enjoy some of the political work you’ve done and am anxiously awaiting the return of the anatomy of a disaster series. My employees and I quite literally talk about your blogs in the lunch room and around the water cooler and can’t wait to see what you’ll write next.

    Scoreboard!

    Please email that letter to me; you know who I am. I have some contacts who would be interested in analyzing it.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Check your email and let me know your thoughts. Thanks for the comment – it really means a lot to hear things like that from readers. I’d love to come do a live-read for you sometime!

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