Unknown 2

Why Should I Agree to 50/50?

Robin:

This morning I read your comment on the WSJ about equal parenting time.  Why should I agree to that when I have been the main caregiver of my kids since they were born?

I am not getting divorced but I’ve thought about it and I think making kids go back and forth like that isn’t fair to them.  I brought up the 50/50 thing over dinner the other night because we have friends getting divorced and I was surprised my husband said he would absolutely want that.

First of all, he works.  Second of all, I think a lot of these men are fighting for equal time so they don’t have to pay child support.

That’s my two cents.  You are wrong on this issue.

Becky 

Dear Becky:

Thank you for your letter and for chatting back and forth with me this morning. I was not loving the blog I was writing so you swooped in just in time!  

Readers, here is the article Becky referenced in her email to me: Fathers Seek Parity in Custody Cases

Becky, while you did not ask me for advice, I’m going to give you some anyway:

Stop being an asshole, and stop claiming to be a feminist.

Readers will be interested to know this is what Becky told me about her life:

  • She was an attorney until three years ago when she had twins.  She isn’t sure she wants to go back to work anytime soon but plans to “at some point.”
  • Her husband Robert is, according to Becky, a very good father who loves his kids and spends as much time as he can with them.
  • Since she left work, he is obviously the sole income earner for the household.  He works approximately 50 hours a week but is able to do some of that at home.
  • When Robert is home he is absolutely hands-on with the kids and all the household chores.
  • Becky identifies as a “feminist” and spent most of her career specializing in cases alleging employment discrimination against women. 
  • Becky is not the most happily married woman in the world.  Specifically, she fantasizes about her husband dying in a car crash every morning when he leaves the house.  I’m not joking.
  • She has already met with an attorney to assess her options.  Her husband has NO idea she is so unhappy and Becky describes him as “blissfully ignorant” regarding the state of their marriage.

I don’t understand that last one at all.  How can someone be so miserable and not broadcast it to their partner?  Becky must be a very good actress, her husband is thick, or both.

The Great Reward

People like Becky see the world like this:

If you work your ass off to support your family and to ensure one parent can be home with the kids, your reward should you divorce is very limited time with those children (not to mention alimony).

Unknown-3

Are you listening, male readers?  I especially want to get the attention of my younger male readers who have yet to embark on a marriage:

If you have a “traditional” marriage, also known as an “antiquated” one, you are basically fucked if and when you get divorced.

Becky, you are not a feminist.  You are an opportunist and a sexist and a terrible person.  True feminists believe men and women should have equal rights, opportunities AND responsibilities, not superior ones.  

The reason you have been the “main caregiver,” as you put it, is because you elected to pause (or terminate) your career.  You would not have been able to do that if your husband had not supported you in that decision.  

Robert has given you the most precious gift of having choices.  In return he can expect you to shit all over him with a custody battle when you finally work up the nerve to leave him.

Women like you give all of us a bad name.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  

Ashamed.

When I asked you what you envisioned for a “fair” settlement, you told me you want the kids roughly 80% of the time, the child support that goes along with that amount of parenting time, and at least eight years of alimony, regardless of whether you go back to practicing law.  

You’ve been married five years.

images

(Here I must give  myself a time-out because my blood pressure is rapidly escalating and I’m actually panting with frustration)

You must not have poked around my blog much, Becky, because if you had you would have foreseen this delivery unto you of a brand new anal orifice.  Either that or you are a glutton for punishment.

As for your assertion men only want more parenting time to lessen their child support obligations, I have two reactions:

  • If we assume that is the motivation for the men, should we also assume that the women want more parenting time simply because they want more child support?  Is that why you only want your children to see their dad 20% of the time – because you lust for more money in your pocket?
  • Why did you have children with a man who is such a monster and who is motivated solely by money?  

What’s that, you say?  

“He’s a wonderful man and father,” you told me.  OK, so not a money-grubbing jerk who doesn’t care about his kids. 

You just “aren’t happy,” you told me.  

You think your partner should be “more exciting and spontaneous,” you told me.

Your poor husband.  My heart breaks for him.

Florida recently passed a law reforming adult baby support alimony laws and establishing a 50/50 parenting time presumption.  Walking, talking piece of shit and Donald Trump endorser Rick Scott vetoed the bill and ensured women like you can continue enjoyment of wildly unfair custody, parenting time, and permanent alimony rulings in family court.

As for you, Becky, congratulations on your transformation!  

You have morphed from a professional woman who claimed to give a damn about equal rights into a hypocritical, greedy, and selfish one.  You have made the unilateral decision for your children that they don’t need their father, except when it comes to money of course.

Since your husband would want far more parenting time than 20%, your unreasonable position ensures an ugly custody battle that will poison your co-parenting relationship and decimate the family finances while doing tremendous and long-term damage to your children.   WHEE!

Advice:

OK, I am going to be nice now.  I really want you to hear me and I apologize for being harsh up there.  Are you ready?  

Put yourself in your husband’s shoes.  Please.

Assume it was you who continued your career so your husband could stay home with the children.  Assume it was you who missed all those precious “firsts.”

First words.  First steps.  First “pee in mouth while changing diaper and forgot to cover the wee wee-wee wiener.”  

OK, maybe not that one.

Assume it was you whose heart broke a little bit every morning as you had to leave for the office.  Assume it was you who paused at the door and lingered as long as you could, just to get a few more minutes watching your husband feed and bathe and play with your twins.

Assume it was your husband who came to you and asked for a divorce, telling you the marriage is dead because you aren’t as exciting as you used to be.

Finally, assume he told you he wanted the kids 80% of the time.  In exchange, you would get to keep working, pay for his care and feeding, pay for your children’s care and feeding, but rarely get to see them.

How do you like them apples?

I urge you to get into marriage counseling immediately and be honest with your husband about where your head is at right now.  

I beg you to keep talking to me or at least promise to practice empathy when it comes to your husband.  Ask yourself over and over again:

How would I feel if the situation were reversed?

Too many people don’t do that in cases like yours.  Too many.  And the results are always the same:

A contentious, expensive and lengthy divorce battle followed by an ugly relationship post-divorce that hurts each parent but nowhere near as much as it destroys their children.

desc_logo

This Post Has 11 Comments

  1. Mark

    Your advice continues to get better and better! You are a true Goddess (Capital G) and you do wield a mean velvet hammer.

    Shame on Becky. No sympathy here. If she wants it she should look it up in the dictionary. It’s between the words Shit and Syphilis.

    1. DAVID BRADSHAW

      good stuff….poor b******d has no idea what is coming…he has a snake in his bed..and the bad thing is ,it’s probably the norm…I have seen and experienced this….I only hope he stands his ground , regardless of cost

  2. Hillary

    This is a post that needed to be written! I echo this fully. Women seem to think that a vagina is somehow a ticket to entitlement. I even had one mom tell me that “He doesn’t know how to parent the kids!” Right sweetie. And when you were a new mom, you didn’t either. Unless there is evidence suggesting that a father will in fact light the children on fire, I see no reason for not having 50/50 (or close to it) parenting time. Thank you for this timely article, Robin!

  3. TLM

    Wow. This woman is a real piece of work. She wants alimony????? She deserves none, she has the education and ability to go to work and that’s exactly what she should do if they divorce. No judge ought to hand her a f*cking dime. And assuming that they are then making the same amount of money, no one should be getting child support, because assuming they are both working, they should get 50/50 parenting time.

    I’m a woman, I’m a lawyer, I divorced and I also had a child. I too was concerned my then husband really only wanted time with our daughter for the child support. So, I insisted that we agree on the money split, house issues, etc. first. Once all the money issues were handled and agreed upon, then we went to a mediator to work out custody arrangements. It worked out fine and our daughter is now grown and has a good relationship with her dad, me and her step dad. I NEVER quit working.

    This woman, as you said, gives women a bad name and is anything but a feminist. She’s a manipulative, spoiled bitch.

  4. Loving Dad

    On behalf of dads everywhere, thank you. Yes, men have it better than women in many respects, but not in divorce. My wife hired an attorney with a terrible reputation and fought for over a year to limit my parenting time, even though I am a very dedicated father. We negotiated shortly before trial and I settled for around 40%, knowing a judge cannot order 50/50. Why is that, by the way?

    I will never forgive my ex-wfe for hiring that monster and fighting to keep me away from my children. Never. In a moment of detente and I think after some wine a few months ago she confessed to me her lawyer suggested she allege I was abusive in order to gain leverage in our negotiations.
    I think she finally realized she had gone too far and the situation was out of control and that’s when she made serious concessions toward settlement, but not a moment sooner.

    I pray every day that lawyer gets the most painful form of bone or stomach or throat or butt or whatever cancer and rots as long as possible in agony. These are the DICKs of which you speak, and they should burn in hell.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      The reasons judges don’t like to order 50/50, at least here in Oregon, is based on the concept that a 50/50 plan requires people who are very good at cooperating with one another. The theory goes: if you can’t AGREE on 50/50, you will fail at it. In other words, the court punts on the hard decisions. There is no evidence I have ever seen that suggests a family who cannot agree on parenting time will do any worse under a 50/50 plan than a family who is ordered into a 40/60 plan. It just doesn’t make any sense – it’s bullshit.

      I understand your reluctance to forgive your wife, but in the interests of a positive childhood for your kids I hope you can someday. Hey, at least she had the decency to reject her lawyer’s unethical and illegal advice. I’ve seen several cases here in Portland in which husbands and wives were urged to file false claims of domestic and even child sexual abuse against their spouses in order to get control of the family home and all the parenting time right off the bat. It’s reprehensible, immoral, unforgivable representation. Why these lawyers are still in business is beyond me, but I think clients like your ex-wife, while decent enough to reject that advice, are not decent or courageous enough to report it. If they did, we could put this scum at the bottom of the pond where it belongs.

      As for the cancer wish, don’t bother. I could give you a long lecture on how holding onto hatred and resentment is only detrimental to you, but I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. Instead, I’ll just tell you it doesn’t work. Not even the voodoo doll works. Just wait for Karma to come around. She is often tardy, but always a bitch.

      1. Hillary

        A judge CAN order 50/50 parenting time, even absent agreement. A judge cannot order joint custody however.

        1. Robin DesCamp

          Shit! My error. Is that new?

          1. Hillary

            No. There has never been a prohibition on a judge ordering parenting time in the child’s best interest, and I have had cases where it was ordered 50/50 over a client’s strenuous objection. But custody in Oregon has always required agreement for joint, and if the parties cannot agree a court must order it to one parent or the other, even if the court believes that it would be in the child’s best interest to have joint custody. This is different than in California, Washington and Nevada where the presumption is joint.

  5. Christianne

    Hillary and Robin,

    Judges ordering 50/50 depends on the state your in. Laws differ greatly from state to state and even though many some states have laws now basically stating this should be the standard as long as no valid reason exists to prevent it, many still don’t. We are seeing more and more cases go to the Supreme Court to overrule these decisions as the Supreme Court supports 50/50 ( again depending on your state and the wording in that states laws…if your lucky enough to be litigating in such a state they will support this and rule for 50/50). Regardless of state we still have a fight ahead of us to leval the field for men when it comes to family court and men’s rights. We are moving in the right direction and I’m always very uplifted to see other women joining in this fight. Robin, your responses and comments were great and needed!! One question….where did you find out the info on Donald Trump supporting vetoing that bill? I’d like to get more into that myself as that was very discouraging to hear.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Thanks for your comment. I didn’t say Trump supported vetoing the bill, I said Scott vetoed it and he is a Trump endorser. Identifying Scott as both the vetoer of such an important bill AND a Trump endorser was a double-commentary on how much of a piece of trash he is. I doubt Trump had any opinion on the bill as he is barely aware of what day it is and how to pretend to be human, not to mention family law reform.

Comments are closed.