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Frigid Husband Hot for Porn

Dear Robin:

About a year ago, my husband announced he was under too much pressure and stress to think about sex.  He asked me not to initiate anymore (I was ALWAYS the one to initiate) and basically said, “when I want to do it I’ll let you know.”

I am only 45 years old and not ready to give up sex, but I tried to be understanding.  I focused on making him happy, being supportive of his career, and doing nice things for him whenever I could.  Before the moratorium, he took Viagra to help with his erectile dysfunction.  I’m telling you that because it comes into play for why I’m writing you.

A few weeks ago I asked if I could use his iPad because mine wasn’t working.  He said yes, unlocked it, and I opened the browser.  There I saw a website, among others, called “MILF Seekers.”  I couldn’t believe it.  He was refusing to have sex with me because he said he couldn’t but clearly things were still working because he was masturbating to a disgusting website.

I confronted him about it and he exploded and accused me of “snooping,” even though he handed me the iPad.  I asked him why he wouldn’t try to direct that energy towards me but he was furious and stomped off.

Then I found his Viagra hidden in his car.

My friends say he’s cheating.  I don’t know what to think.  There you go, have at it.

Marie

Dear Marie:

Sex is a wonderful way for people to express love and affection for one another. When one person unilaterally shuts it down, that relationship will suffer.  

Unfortunately, as I found out from talking to you on the phone, sex isn’t the only issue in your marriage.  It’s just one of the more obvious symptoms that your deal is done.

Why is the Marriage Over?

  • He is highly secretive about everything, not just his online activities.  You have no access to his checking account, no knowledge of what he spends money on, and when you peeked at his check register once he went crazy for weeks, accusing you of violating his privacy.  This isn’t a marriage, it’s a business arrangement between two partners who don’t trust each other.
  • He is unhappy almost every day.  You thought he might be depressed.  I will offer it is possible he doesn’t love you and wants out of the marriage, but he is too chickenshit to initiate a divorce.
  • He becomes angry with you over various problems, but when you solve them he is still angry.  You simply cannot do anything right.
  • His memory is failing rapidly and arguments over your shortcomings are repeated over and over again.
  • Your description of the efforts you have made to make him and his awful parents and brothers happy was exhausting.  Seriously, you’ve embarrassed yourself.  They don’t like you.  Stop trying.
  • When you try to express your feelings to him, he accuses you of being mentally ill.  Because: feelings.  Wow.

Withholding sex can serve as a form of punishment.  Sure, some people just lose interest in sex, but your husband isn’t one of them.  Jacking the Johnson to online porn while you are sleeping right next to him, having been begging for affection and receiving none, tells us his claims of impotence or disinterest in sexual activity are untrue.  So, Marie, what is he punishing you for?

By the way, I checked out that site.  It’s pathetic.  Many of the “MILFs” (for the uneducated, a “MILF” is an older attractive woman, also known as a “Mama I’d Like to Fuck) look like they are barely out of their teens.  Gross.

So we know your husband is interested in sex, to be sure.  He just isn’t interested in sex with you.  I know that is very hard to hear (read) but it’s true.  That doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive or fuckable, by the way.  You are!  

I stalked your Instagram and I think you need to hear this because you probably assume your appearance has something to do with your husband’s rejection of you.  It doesn’t, unless he is extremely selective and unrealistic as to what type of woman he could land.

Is He Cheating?

I don’t know, but Viagra hidden in the car?  Oh, boy.  That may not be a smoking gun indicating a wandering peen, but it’s certainly a loaded and cocked one.  

The real smoking gun is comprised of all those bullet points above, along with his miserly approach to doling out affection, happiness, gratitude, and love.  This is how a lot of people get when they fall in love with someone else.  

Even if that is not the case, he clearly has fallen out of love with you.  Honestly, from our conversation I took away not only does he not love you any more, he doesn’t even like you.  Oof.  That’s a deal-killer right there.  

Maybe you two aren’t compatible.  Maybe you are highly annoying or unreasonable in some ways I haven’t yet identified.  The breakdown of a marriage is rarely the fault of just one party, so whatever you do, accept your role in where you find yourself.  There are probably some lessons there for you to learn if you look deeply within the history of your marriage.

Regardless of who is apportioned what amount of blame, how long can you live like this?  Don’t you think you deserve better, Marie?  

And doesn’t your husband deserve to be happy (or unhappy) alone or to find someone more to his liking and style?  I’d argue “yes” on both counts.

People use the phrase “life is too short” all the time, but I prefer “life is too long.” Life is too long to labor in an unhappy marriage with someone who refuses to do the work with you to make it better.

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Advice for Marie

Ask your husband point-blank if he wants to remain married to you.  Insist upon some counseling together if he claims he does and explore in-depth the troubles in your marriage.  

More important, figure out whether you want to be married to him. Ascertain why you are making such Herculean efforts to make him happy, given those bullet points and the sadness you wake up and go to bed with every day.  

Why are you who you are?  What makes you chase love and appreciation from people who cannot or will not give it to you?  

I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but if you start seeing a good therapist they might opine you have low self-esteem.  That’s the bad news.  The good news is: you can fix that.  Trust me on this!

I know a guy who was in a marriage like yours and he didn’t even know he was unhappy.  His awful wife finally left, and after a short period of mourning, crying jags, confusion, anxiety, and terrible fright, he called me.

“You won’t believe me, Robin, but I’m over it.  I tried so hard for so long and I used to think I’d die without her, but I’m OK.  The kids are doing well, money is fine, and I finally got laid.  Not once, not twice, but three times!  I feel like I’ve woken up suddenly and like the whole world is open to me.  

“She did me the biggest favor by leaving.  I’m honestly grateful to her for it.”

I told him,

“Yeah, remember when I said that would happen?  Your rapid ascent might cause some people concern, but the fact is your airplane was already far down the runway to your new life destination: the city of Happiness.  

“Your wheels were practically up, you just didn’t realize it yet, and you don’t have all that negative emotional baggage weighing you down any longer.  

“Follow your flightpath to your plane of happiness, and forgive me for these stupid aviation puns, but I’m just winging it.” 

My friend today?  Six months after she left, he’s doing better than ever.  I knew he would be.  I’m always Wright!

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And remember, kids, always use a condom.  Sex is a beautiful thing but be careful out there!

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This Post Has 3 Comments

  1. Happy Ex-Wife

    He sounds like a jerk. He sounds like my ex. My ex was cheating, left me for the new girl, married and cheated on her within two years. Some guys never change. Marie should ask herself, does she know if he cheated in previously relationships? Because some people never change.

  2. Jean Hendrix

    There are some great therapists who can really help women who have been trapped in bad relationships. Pornography can become a serious compulsion and his secrecy is a serious red flag.

  3. Marie

    Marie, here. Yeah, he cheated on his first wife. He said it was because she refused to have sex with him for over ten years, but now I wonder. Using his logic I should have had multiple affairs too?

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